Alter!Sophie was out last night, presumably she was out until we fell asleep. You can always tell when my dreams are her dreams because they’re, well… Last night I think I dreamed ALL NIGHT of sleeping with/having sexual activity with Jeff Rawle. What is it with her and older men, and also her hybristophilia? It’s only because he played a serial killer in Hollyoaks that she’s interested in him. But OMG what a weird thing to dream about all night.
Jodi x
Here was me thinking the abandonment issues I used to suffer were mainly down to some insanely jealous alter… But I guess I was wrong. My boyfriend’s starting a band… Their singer sucked so they kicked him out… Now they have a female singer… And my mind has lost any ability to be rational.
The BF and the rest of his band have some constant conversation going over Facebook chat… Including her. What if all of the time he spends practising with her and talking to her blahblahblah causes him to start feeling something? It’s not exactly impossible for that to happen.
It’s not like I can just say NO YOU CAN’T HAVE A GIRL IN YOUR BAND, ugh. Every time him or any of my boyfriends seem to be getting close to another girl it’s like, PANIC. Like that time I panicked about my ex and his stupid fucking Irish friend and they ended up together. I’m just so scared of being abandoned and left alone! I don’t want him to leave me :(. Advice?
Jodi x
So since my meds started wearing off at the end of December, I started getting depressed, mostly on night times when the dose was obviously wearing off. Alter!Sophie was, however, depressed constantly. My psych refused to put my medication dose up, because she believed that Sophie’s depression was more to do with my DID problems than it was to do with actual depression… So I pretty much broke down in the psych’s room because she was basically letting me get suicidal again.
I was also having severe problems with my boyfriend. First and foremost, I am not a “sexual” alter so to speak. I never do the “sex” part, that’s either Alter!Sophie, Alter!LittleSophie, Alter!Rose, or Alter!Amy. Sophie is the main one though. So when she was depressed, I noticed that I rely on her a hell of a lot more than I thought I did. The tiniest things could trigger me immensely, things as small as my boyfriend kissing me on the forehead. Also, since she is the main sexual alter, and the others rarely come out, my boyfriend was getting pretty sex deprived.
However, he managed to save the day. He’s on the same medication as me. He’s on 600mg, but he’s only on that high of a dose because he deliberately got it upped so that he could give some to me, before I was ever officially prescribed it. Before I got put on meds myself, he was on 450mg and I was taking the rest of the dose… But when I got prescribed it officially, he started getting 300mg tablets, and so he had to go up to 600mg… I’m on 450mg, and since 450mg was fine for him, and since my psych refused to put my dose up, he swapped meds with me. And what do you know, my psych was wrong. My moods were fine, Sophie is now back to being absolutely fine, and tiny things don’t trigger me anymore.
So here’s a massive fuck you to my psychiatrist, who I was actually starting to trust after getting fucked around incredibly by my old psychiatrist. Thanks for going ahead and ruining my trust, bitch! But a big thank you to my boyfriend for being the best psych I’ve ever had <3.
Jodi x
Soph has started a dating profile, one where the only people who can message her are men between the ages of 45 and 60. I don’t think she has the intention of sleeping with anyone yet but at the rate her rape fantasies are getting worse, who knows how long it’ll be before she is desperate enough just to do it?
Bleh. Old men are gross.
Jodi x
+ 72 NotesMy alter Sophie has this.
Jodi x
+ 2 NotesNot really asking for advice here just looking for a place to vent everything that’s currently circling in my head…
- First and foremost I have a sexual alter (Sophie) that is addicted to rape, and spends a lot of the time she is out obsessing over being raped and convincing my boyfriend’s alters to rape her. This is probably completely unhealthy but if she goes too long without her addiction being fulfilled… Well, last time it drove her to self harm and obviously this is NOT what I want.
- Secondly Sophie and/or a different alter is driving me from inside to be attracted to old men. Usually I avoid old men, they tend to freak me out. But every so often I find myself lusting after certain older men, Jeff Rawle (60) and James May (49) as examples… I don’t even understand my attraction to these people, well apart from Jeff Rawle who recently played a serial killer in Hollyoaks (soap) and Sophie has Hybristophilia (defined as a paraphilia involving being sexually aroused or attracted to people who have committed an outrage or a gruesome crime). Today I’ve just felt a desire to sleep with a much older man and I don’t like it.
- I have DID, 25 alters and counting, with no memories whatsoever of any abuse, so I don’t know what caused my psyche to split… Presumably abuse from an older man which is probably the cause of the above (both the attraction and being freaked out by old men).
- My psych doesn’t appear to believe in DID. She says I’m either borderline or bipolar (I think I’m bipolar as well as DID) and thinks my alters are me making stuff up. It’s not like I can just go get another psych either, I live in a country with a free health care system, which is awful, my first psychiatrist didn’t believe there was anything wrong with me at all, and this psych is my “second opinion”, so I think I’m stuck with her…
- My boyfriend has DID also and one of his alters attacked me a week ago, (already posted about this) freaked me out and one of my littles… His alters are under control most of the time, but it’s the fact that this has the possibility of happening which still has me a little freaked. His alters are working to keep this particular alter under control however…
- I’ve just felt so lost a lot of today. I was suffering derealization for hours this morning, and I’ve just felt generally lost all day. The derealization is returning now, too. Usually I can cope with most of the things above but today it is just feeling too much for me. I think that’s why the derealization has kicked in, to help with the fact I don’t really feel like I’m coping with everything right about now. I’m currently at university on top of all of this, and being derealized in class just makes it absolutely impossible to follow what my lecturers have to say…
Sorry for the ramble, I just needed somewhere to get all this stuff out *sigh*. All my boyfriend has had to say all day is “at least the derealization will pass eventually” which is a fuck load of help…
Jodi x
+ 4 NotesWe are a multiple system (DID) with 21 parts (that we know of). I have a massive problem. I’m the host, and I have a boyfriend. My most dominant alter is obsessed with rape. As in she got a guy who I was involved with earlier this year to rape her (to wait until she genuinely didn’t want it and had withdrawn consent and then keep going - so it was actual rape and not just roleplay). The problem is that my boyfriend now won’t do that. He’s a decent guy. But he knows she needs this. Literally when she goes too long without it she gets really agitated and self harms and it’s like an addiction for her. So he’s said she can do what she needs to to keep her ‘addiction’ under control… So she goes to the guy from earlier on in the year who is happy to do it.
Problem is, since me and the guy kind of ended things, he wants to be with someone new. If he gets with someone new, she will feel incredibly jealous AND there will be no one to fulfill her addiction. I mean I like the guy, he’s pretty much perfect for me (he has DID too), and my current boyfriend is really fairly opposite to me but I really like him. My life is split into two at the minute. My alter is desperate to keep having her desires filled but I just can’t do the double life thing. I feel so guilty that she’s cheating on my boyfriend, even if it is with his consent. We’re all coconscious (bar one alter who I lose time with) so I’m aware of everything. I have feelings for both guys, Sophie, my alter, NEEDS the second guy or else she’ll go batshit with no one to help her satisfy her desires. But I kind of crave a normal life for myself, a boyfriend who I can actually have something of a normal life with, as long as Sophie has her desires under control (otherwise she tries to corrupt my new boyfriend). But as I’ve already said, I’m finding it really hard to live the double life, I feel really guilty about her behaviour, and if I don’t leave my “normal” boyfriend and be with the second guy (who i’ve known and liked a lot longer but who can’t offer me a normal relationship) he will find someone else and Sophie will not be able to cope at all.
Sorry for the essay but… If anyone has any suggestions, at all, I will be very grateful. I’m just completely stuck here.
Jodi x
I know a guy who is literally perfect for me, and crazy about me. Yet then I go lose him because of a load of stupid ridiculous things that I did/do.
Then I’ve got that on top of the fact I already wish I was dead today.
:(
J x
It’s funny actually. The amount of time the NHS waste of ours, and then they have the cheek to complain when people don’t turn up to a ten minute appointment. I waited from August 2009 to October 2011 to actually be put on a form of medication that works for my suicidal-strength depression and over-the-top elated moods. And even then the only reason they agreed to put me on them is because I was taking them illegally anyway.
Today I was supposed to have a blood test to make sure I’m okay on the Seroquel (not that I haven’t been taking it for 3 months anyway without a hitch) and I slept in. Why? Because the Seroquel knocked me out for 14 hours, ha ha ha. So yeah, I’ve wasted PRECIOUS NHS TIME, not that my time is precious when I spent 4 months a year for the past 3 years suicidally depressed. I’m just saying, that I don’t care about not turning up to appointments anymore, because the twats have wasted far too much of my life for me to ever repay through missed appointments.
Jodi x
+ 3 Notes